…aligns with the dreams I had last night, as in bizarre.

View from my front yard - 01/18/2011

Tex-Mex comfort food for lunch.  Now I’m lying here typing this with football playoffs droning, the cat curled up and snoring on my legs.  Warm and soft.  It’s Sunday and I’m upstairs in the “loft” with Randy and Wylie (Star is scared of the stairs, poor baby, so we turned the TV on downstairs so she could watch the game).  What is a yawner for most people is absolute heaven to me.  I’m so blessed.

Randy’s mom has made an incredible turnaround for the better in the past week or so since getting the treatment that she needed.  It has taken time but we are seeing positive changes.  Not having a crisis every day has been so nice for a change.  It’s like we’ve been holding our breath for three months and we’re finally able to let it go.

I may be set in my ways, but sometimes boring is good.  Really good.  *sighing with contentment*  I love my humble home and life.

When my father-in-law, Frank, was in the hospital in October before he died, I had gone to the gift shop one day before visiting.  I spotted a stuffed bull that I thought was cute and it reminded me of not only of his personality but also the enemy he was fighting.  Clever, I thought.  I didn’t buy it right away but told him about it and threatened he would soon be the recipient.

A day or two before his surgery, I waltzed in the room trying to add light to a situation where there was none.  I would do anything to make him smile.  I took the stuffed toy from behind my back and announced, “I told you I’d do it!”  I then went on to explain that it represented “grabbing the bull by the horns.”  I handed it to him for a minute, then placed it on the windowsill to watch over him along with the other gifts from well-wishers.  Somehow I thought that it would play a tiny role in his recovery.

Unfortunately, all the best wishes and jokes in the world won’t save you when God is ready for your return.

After Frank passed away, I requested the bull.  He now presides over my office and is a constant reminder of my dear “second dad.”  The painful part is that my own words have echoed back to me time and time again….”grab the bull by the horns.”  I have had to literally follow my own advice.  So easy to say, not so easy to do.

I’ve had a lot of anger issues that have been exacerbated by this whole process of grieving the loss of not only Frank, but also my mother-in-law’s trials and the loss of her life as she has always known it.  It’s my understanding that this anger is a normal part of what one goes through.  I’m not sure how I’m going to fare since I already have clinical depression built into my genetics that I fight against every day.  It’s literally one day at a time with me.

I vowed I wouldn’t use this space to vent negatives constantly.  After all, who wants to read more of that?  Yet I feel that maybe writing about my feelings, however bad, will somehow lead me to stability.

“Grab the bull by the horns.”  It’s my turn.  I hope I don’t let go.

I had an idea for a blog post today, had it well thought out, but I simply don’t have the energy to get it done.  (In fact, I just used my last bit to scoop the cat box before I typed this sentence.)  I’m not sure what has happened to me, but it seems like all motivation for me has vanished into thin air except when it comes to my job.  Even that has been a challenge lately.  I knew better than to announce that I was going to start blogging again, as I never know from day to day where the mental roller coaster will take me.  Good thing I don’t make New Year’s resolutions.  That stopped years ago.  All this makes me wonder what is happening in this little BB-sized brain of mine.  I know I have the potential but I feel like I have to pry it out with a crowbar.  My apologies to all my millions of fans out there in blah-blah-blog land.  Maybe tomorrow.

In my Roger Hodgson fan chat yesterday, my friend Marie from the UK inspired me to start blogging again.  (Thanks, Marie!)

Last year was a time of reset for me.  There were things in my life that I was allowing to control me, rather than the other way around.  I have grieved both physical loss and psychologic.  Some of the changes were not by my decision.  Others were.  Some were detrimental to me physically.  Others were detrimental to me mentally.  One was losing a loved one to cancer.

My greatest feeling of grief came when my father-in-law passed away unexpectedly at the end of October.  I won’t go into detail here, as it won’t change a thing, but the process leading up to, and also the aftermath, have been similar to a Greek tragedy…or put simply, like dominoes falling.  Second to my parents divorcing when I was 16, this is by far the most difficult time I have experienced in my personal life.

2010 was not kind to so many of my other friends and their loved ones.  Some have had to go through the worst this life throws at you, yet they have inspired me by how they have held up.  I am truly amazed.  They have taught me so much.

Will I stumble and struggle again?  Every day.  But I can move forward and count my blessings because ”as you weep, so you learn.”  Let’s go through life together and hold each other tight in our hearts and minds, if not physically together.