I Hate this Disease
And after a great day yesterday, today I was down for the count.
I had pain in the pelvic bone all day long. I called the doctor and she told me the pain pills she was giving me wouldn’t do much good for bone pain. I always thought pain was pain. And a pain killer would kill pain. Apparently there are things that work better on tissue and muscle than on bone and things that work better on bone than on tissue and muscle.
I didn’t get a lot of relief, but I did get to spend the day thinking. I haven’t done a lot of that since the diagnosis. I’ve been busy researching doctors and trying to make my life fit in the mold it was in before. Today I realized, the mold has been broken, there’s no way I’m going to have a “normal” life again and I really need to deal with the emotions of having cancer.
The Livestrong Foundation sent me a huge book to help with all the things that they’ve found are common in survivors. Things like financial records, powers of attorney, estate planning, stuff like that. Up until now I’ve felt that if I even think about that stuff, it’s like giving up. My mind set was ‘if I’m not going to die from cancer, why do I need to make a will now?’ I still feel that way. I guess that’s my own little trip down Denial River.
Now from my perspective this seems like such a “defeated” post, but really, it’s not. Even though this is Stage 4 cancer and colon cancer is one of the most deadly cancers, I still feel like I can beat this. I still don’t think of cancer as a death sentence. It’s a disease. Some people have high blood pressure, some people have diabetes, my disease is cancer. It can be treated. It can be defeated. A hundred years ago, when people got the flu they died. Now it’s a trip to the doctor, a week home from work, and a weeks worth of antibodics. I don’t know if cancer will get to be that way in my life time, but there’s too many people walking around that have been diagnosed and are still here, many years later for me to think that I can’t beat this.
I’m sorry for your pain. I would do anything to take it from you, but I can’t by myself so I’ll pray about it more.
It’s ok to let your emotions come out. In fact, it would be unhealthy if you didn’t.
:pray: :meditate: :hug:
Actually, Kathy, I wouldn’t want you to take the pain. It just seems so mean and cruel to give it to anyone.
You know that phrase ‘I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy’? I really woudn’t. It’s not that I have some sort of martyar complex and I don’t like the pain, but it’s just too cruel and mean to give it to anybody.
Needless to say, this is one of the topics I’ll be talking about with Dr. Blakely on Wednesday.
The update to this blog entry/comment is this: It’s 10 p.m. Friday night and for the first time in three days I am pain free. No pain killers, just no pain. I can’t decided whether to go out and do the happy dance or run home and go to bed and try to get as much sleep/rest as possible.
I have become so boring
So glad you had a pain-free night! Wishing you more of those… :bounce:
You could NEVER be boring.
:group-hug: :iamwithstupid: