It’s been a rough couple of days for me.

The doctor has given me a week off. For some strange reason I seem to feel better physically when I have chemo. The last time I saw the doctor she gave me a week off because I was getting over the stomach virus that was going around. I told her all my symptoms had been gone since Sunday and actually argued with her to let me take my chemo. (Yeah, sometimes, I’m not exactly rational). Anyway, when I told her that I had the squirts and that I only threw up once a day but it was at different time, she looked me in the eye and said, “You’re weird”. I told her I could have told her that a long time ago.

Emotionally, I’m all over the place. whether I have chemo that week or not. Road kill will make me cry sometimes, whether it’s a an animal that could have been someone’s pet or whether it’s a wild animal. Sometimes I’ll think about the situation I’m in (Stage IV cancer) and I’ll just cry and think about all the things I want to do before I die but are going to take some time to pay for and to plan for. I usually will give myself some time and then I’ll just tell myself there is a connection between mind and body and IF you don’t think positively about this, then you won’t a have positive out come. Some times when you’re having pain or just not feeling good (whether it’s fatigue or you just don’t feel like yourself) it’s really hard to be positive.

As some of you know I work with the mentally retarded. I absolutely love my clients, both past and current. When we started chemo there was one client that I told I was sick and I would be in and out, but that I was going to be fine. I knew she would wonder and I knew she would understand what I was telling her.

Since then I have had a couple of the mildly retarded clients talk to me about my cancer. One that I especially hold close to my heart is a grumpy old man who has been at the center for a very long time. I went through his class last week and greeted him with our typical greeting, “Hey Old Man”. He called me over and told me he was glad I was back at work. He had heard the staff talking about my cancer and he was worried about me. I told him I was still having chemo and that I was going to be fine. He asked how things were going and I told him the tumors were shrinking and there was no reason to think that things weren’t going to be okay.

I have to admit there are times when I am really scared. One of the times I am most scared is when I see the doctor. I’m scared she’s going to come in and tell me the chemo cocktail I’m currently taking isn’t working any more and we’re going to have to try something else. I’m afraid the “something else” isn’t going to work. I am convinced there is a drug for every cancer patient that will work. It’s a race against the clock to find it. I think some of the drugs that may work are “experimental” or being used off label and some doctors aren’t willing to prescribe the drug because they are afraid of a lawsuit (and I’ll spare you my rant on people suing doctors who are trying to help).

I am having more pain these days than I’ve had in a while. I’m having some minor bone pain too. That also scares me because the pain was so bad the last time I had it. The doctor gave me some strong pain killers but I’m scared to take them. I keep asking my office mate if , when I’m thorugh all of this, he will check me into a rehab. He keeps telling me I’m not a candidate for rehab because I only take my pain killers when I’m in pain. I don’t want to get addicted to the pain killers. It’s bad enough to have to lay on the couch (because I refuse to stay in bed) and lose half the day. I honestly can’t tell you what happened today between 11 and 1. That also scares me. I always knew cancer was a painful disease, but I thought the pain was part of the final stages. I now know that’s not right. The tumors are shrinking and things are going good and I’m having pain. So much for Movies of the Week and Brians Song (although I do love that movie).

I was writing in my journal today and I said I wanted to be healthy and cancer free and I wanted it to happen by 5 p.m. or by 8 a.m tomorrow morning at the latest. (That’s what would happen in a Movie of the Week) As I was writing this I realized I am actually mad at the tumor that started all of this. I was mad about having to plan my life around scans, doctors appointments and chemo I was mad that for two days I have been on the couch dealing with the pain this tumor was causing me. I was mad that I couldn’t go to work. I was mad about being sick and I was really mad about having to take pain killers for two days. Even though I was mad, I don’t think of my cancer as something God has given me. I think of it as an obstical that God has given me. I know that God gives us obsticals to overcome and he also gives us a way to go over, under, around, or through the obstical. That thought gives me a lot of comfort and strength.