Just when I thought I had put the craziness of 2007 to bed, 2008 came along and it’s threatening to be even worse. I would love to remember what a sense of normalcy feels like.

Randy may be changing jobs before too long. Everyone at his place is ready to bail, due to the owner not having a clue or having any sense of professionalism. Typical business B.S. In the meantime, I’m feeling like my job is a big question mark at this point, although I love the company. I’m just not sure if I can train my brain to be as analytical as it needs to be for this line of work. My proofreading abilities suck. It’s been a frustrating week, and I’m disappointed in myself. I don’t know what I’m really supposed to be doing with my life.

When I talked to Susan yesterday, she sounded tired and resigned for the first time since she was diagnosed. There was even some silence. Usually, she is upbeat and talks my ear off. She told me she’s in the process of giving her personal effects to her friends and loved ones. She’s hoping the sale of her house will pay all her bills. I told her that didn’t matter right now. I talked about hope, and that I would see her again someday. I hope I didn’t bore her with all of that. She already knows where she’s spending eternity. I just was at a complete loss for words.

I went online and looked at airfare from Abilene to Memphis, MS and I almost fainted. It was over $800 for one person, round trip, for what would be a 10 to 11-hour drive to Oxford. I just can’t do it. I can’t drive it either, because I’d have to leave on Saturday and turn around and come back on Sunday. How long would I be able to spend with her? Would I fall asleep on the road? I feel like such a hypocrite, because I told Susan when she first got sick that if she needed me to be there, I would.

Anyway, I am ready for something, ANYTHING to stabilize. Do you think that’s too much to ask?