Thanks to David Crosby for the inspiration for this blog title.
I’ve been thinking about Susan lately. Last night, I deleted her account from my Garden Gate Roger Hodgson forum. I stared at the screen that held the information about her membership. She never posted. She only joined because I suggested it and she knew it was “mine.” It was hard to think about her death again. It’s also strange, because I really thought I would be “visited” in some way by her presence but that hasn’t happened. (Don’t call the butterfly truck on me just yet…) She had a strong personality and I just knew she would still be around in some way but I haven’t felt it.
I lay awake last night worrying about getting old. I’m scared of this more than ever. I wish I could just say “age is just a number” or “you’re only as old as you feel,” but I’d be lying if I did. I’m not going to pretend I’m someone I’m not. I don’t like feeling this way but don’t know how to shake it.
Changing the subject, work is still very slow. I have 3.5 hours I need to make up but I keep getting farther and farther behind because the work isn’t there for me to make up my time. Panic is about to set in. It’s bad enough that I’m working Thanksgiving and Christmas Day. I’m beginning to second guess my career change. I wonder if there is such as thing as being truly content with what you do for a living. I guess there must be some people out there who are fulfilled. I could really use some guidance.
I need to reconnect with my Christian faith. I know that is one of my problems. It doesn’t make life perfect but it really gives you a better perspective, and I think I’ve lost that for the time being.
Homeward Through The Haze (thanks again, David C.)
Homeward Through the Haze Lyrics:
words and music by David Crosby
© 1975 Staysail Music (BMI)
First rain of winter
First fall from grace
It’s my first hollow echo
In the halls of praise
How could Samson
I thought he was blind as a bat
How could he have torn down
The temples like that
And how could little Caesar
How could he know whereof he spoke
When all of his wheels are
turning him into a joke
Cause the blind are leading the blind
And I am amazed at how they stumble
Homeward through the haze
Got the soul of a ragpicker
Got the mind of a slug
I keep sweeping problems
Under my rug
And all of my fine
My fine fair weather friends, Yeah
Will have no more time
To make their amends
Cause the blind are leading the blind
And I am amazed at how they stumble
Homeward through the haze
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I wish I could help you with that one Kathy, but I’ve been battling that particular demon for some years now. All I can offer are a few words: Find what makes your heart happy and your spirit fulfilled, and follow that path as far as you can. Be well my friend…
I’m working on it…thanks for being such a good friend!
Can’t help you with that one either. When I was much younger the nuns used to make me very afraid of death. Now I just take life as it comes and try to enjoy every minute. Can’t change the things that lie in front of me and will have to accept whatever path is there for me.
“Always look at the brigh side of life.” well at least try.
When you get to a certain stage in your life, I think it’s normal to think like you do. (Or perhaps I’m ready for the butterfly truck too??!) Maybe that’s what being grown up means, only nobody’s ever told us…
I can’t speak for your career choice, except that I’m sure if you think about the hell you’d be going through right now at your old job, you’ll be happy about that choice again!
I guess I am a living example of someone who’s happy with her career choice (finally – it took a looong time, that!). Better times will always come Kathy! :hug: