I’m torn. Don’t know whether to make a doctor appointment or not. I had to call Randy on Friday morning while I was working because I was typing along and became overwhelmed with tears. He’s my lifeline and without him, I really don’t think I’d be here right now, to be honest.

I upped my Lexapro dose yesterday morning because I was still teary. It seems to be worse in the mornings for some reason. After talking to Randy further about everything, we have come to the conclusion that hormones are playing a role in addition to the clinical depression I carry genetically. There’s a medical term called perimenopause (meaning “before menopause”) that I feel I’m struggling with. I’m at the appropriate age for this, and there’s a lot at play here that makes me believe this could be part of it. If it’s this bad now, how bad will actual menopause be? Isn’t it hard enough to just look in the mirror every day and see the effects of aging? Do women really need to go through hormone hell on top of that?

On the up side, we went and bought some drapes for our bedroom yesterday and hung them. It’s a little thing, but the paper-thin excuse for curtains we had up forever was embarrassing. Cheap isn’t always better.

If only it were that easy to change what’s inside of us.