I opened my Archived webmail this morning and just happened to see an email from Susan. It made me realize even more what a big whiner I am for no reason at all. When I read this, it’s hard to believe she died 4 months later. Susan, I can hear you. Thanks for the kick in the butt. (I can almost see her smiling at that statement and giving me hell about something else.) Somehow, I feel compelled to let her voice be heard again. Hope you don’t mind.

I wanted to give you the latest update.

Wednesday I went to the doctor. She started me on chemo again that afternoon. The tumors have grown a little, but the markers are exactly where they were. All of this to say the scans looked (in Dr. Blakely’s own words) “really, really good”. She was concerned about the amount of pain I have been having without the chemo. She was really upset that I spent my birthday on the couch dealing with the pain. (Lot’s of people came by with all sorts of goodies, so it wasn’t a bad birthday, just painful). Actually, I ‘m glad she started the chemo again. The break would have been nice, but atleast I feel like I’m doing something.

We started on the new drugs. I felt pretty good until yesterday. Freddie and the Freeloaders were up for a day of letting me know they are still around. I couldn’t breath without those little suckers hurting. Today, it’s better. They’re still upset, but it’s more like a pulled muscle than real pain. Herman is taking care of the pain for today. But it’s cold, so that’s no surprise.

When I was taking chemo, they always give me benedril to counteract any side effects I may have. Needless to say, it puts me to sleep within five minutes of the nurse starting it. When I woke up from the benedril nap, I was in some serious pain. This very nice lady who was sitting next to me watched me try to get comfortable for a few minutes. We have talked several times and she reached out and petted me on the arm and said, “I don’t think you’re doing to well right this minute’. I told her I wasn’t, and I told her I was in some serious pain. She told me I needed to let the nurse know. I told her I thought the nurse had gone to lunch. Right at that time the n urse appreared and asked me what was wrong. I asked if she could call Dr. Blakely down to the chemo room so she could see what I’ve been dealing with. Dr. Blakley was there in a few seconds. She took one look at me and said, “You’re hurting pretty bad aren’t you hon?” I told her that this was what I was having to put up with and why I had spend basically the past two weeks on the couch eating pain killers. She got me a dilaudid shot and actually gave it to me herself. I know that sounds like I had a really bad chemo session, but now she has actually seen what I’ve been having to deal with and I think that’s a really good thing. SHe has prescribed some heavy duty long acting apin patches so I can actually have some sort of a life and not spend this time of the year on the couch hurting. Anyway, a couple of minutes after she gave me the shot, the lady next to me patted my arm again and asked if I felt any better. I told her I was pretty much easy, but I was really enjoying the loopy feeling the pain killer was giving me. Next thing I knew it was two hours later and I was finished with my chemo. (Pain killers are my friend!)

How are y’all doing? I hope you are having a great Holiday season. I wanted to go to Ole Miss and see the choral program, but Herman had other ideas. I’ve pretty much been listening to the classics on XM radio. If Johnny Mathis singing “Chestnuts roasting on an Open FIre” (AKA the Christmas Song) doesn’t get you in the mood, nothing will.

Let me hear from you. If it’s a bad time I’ll let you know, or I’ll just go to sleep listening. (Once again, Pain Killers are my friend).

S

Susan’s memorial service is today at 3:00 p.m. at College Hill Presbyterian Church.  Here is the obituary.  A very special thanks to Wade Clark, Jr. for his beautiful photograph that he sent in tribute.

Nancy Susan Clark

Miss Nancy Susan Clark, 46, died Sunday, April 20, 2008 at Baptist Memorial Hospital in Oxford. There will be a memorial service to celebrate the life of Susan at North Mississippi Regional Center at a later date. Waller Funeral Home is in charge of arrangements.

Susan was born in Cleveland, MS. She was a graduate of Abilene Christian Unversity and received her master’s degree in Educational Psychology from the University of Mississippi. A member of College Hill Presbyterian Church, the love of her life was her clients at NMRC, the Tennessee Titans, and the Dallas Stars. Her passion was her dogs and cats. She was the well known radio personality Jena St. John on North Mississippi radio, most recently with Q93.7 in Oxford and Miss 98.

She is survived by her many friends and co-workers at North Mississippi Regional Center, whom she considered her family.

Expression of sympathy or memorial contributions in Miss Clark’s memory may be made to the American Cancer Society, 682 Hwy 6 West, Oxford, MS 38655, or St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, 501 St. Jude Place, Memphis, TN 38105-1942.

]]> http://rogersgardengate.com/wpblog/2008/remembrance-2/feed/ 2 http://rogersgardengate.com/wpblog/2008/free/ http://rogersgardengate.com/wpblog/2008/free/#comments Mon, 21 Apr 2008 12:01:44 +0000 Indelibrella http://rogersgardengate.com/wpblog/?p=817

Susan is no longer suffering. Yesterday at around 3:30 p.m. CST, she went home to be with the Lord forever. Praise God that He saw her pain and called her to Him.

I Want To Fly – The Zombies

These photos are from Susan’s web page at http://www.geocities.com/mstytanfan/

Susan, I love you and miss you.  I will see you again someday!!!

With my Titan buddies, Robbie and Sarah at the Titans TOMB tailgate.

Friday was rough.

I had called Susan on Thursday and she told me it wasn’t a good time and asked if she could call me back. I told her not to worry about it, and that I would call her on Friday, which I did. Her friend and coworker, Hilda, answered the phone and told me they had to take Susan to the hospital. Hilda was there taking care of Susan’s kitties and checking on some things. She has been the one who has also been seeing that Susan’s bills are paid, etc., and has been like a second mother since Susan’s Mom passed 6 years ago. Hilda told me that if Susan comes home, it will be “in-patient Hospice.” I’m not sure what that means, because she has already had home hospice care, other than maybe it means round-the-clock. Anyway, I thanked Hilda and all the other people there who have helped Susan so much. I hung up, fell completely apart (to put it lightly), and ended up in bed by 7:30 p.m. while Randy and Jeff stayed up and listened to music (with my blessing). I am really struggling trying to process everything that is going on. I have always had such a hard time with the concept of death and dying, despite my faith. It just seems so unfair, especially in Susan’s case.

I’m feeling a bit better today, but every time the phone rings, my heart sinks. I need to learn to cope better, but I’m not sure how. I guess I’ll just keep plugging away and keep on counting my blessings. Life is short, so I hope I can make the most of it and start growing into a better person, whatever that means.

I called Susan on Tuesday and she asked me if she could call me back in a few minutes. Of course, she didn’t…which I expected. I called her again yesterday and she told me she had a bad night on Monday night. Yesterday, when I called, she was alone. I really don’t think that’s a good idea. In my mind, hospice care should be around the clock. I asked if her pain was being managed and she said it was, but I’m not sure I believe her. Three different times, she asked me to “hold on a sec” and I finally asked her what she was doing. Each time she came back on the line, she was short of breath. She said she was trying to sit up. I think she finally succeeded, and I asked her if she was comfortable, but she said there really wasn’t such a thing at this point.

She told me her edema is much worse. I told her maybe they need to up her Lasix dosage or give her an additional med. She didn’t have much to say, other than the fluid accumulated in her body made it very difficult to sit or stand. Again, I am not very happy with the care she is getting. I don’t believe in part-time hospice. She didn’t have much to say, which isn’t so surprising, but I’m wondering if she is angry at me for not being with her. Probably not, but I asked her if she was tired of everyone calling her. She denied that, but I hate to bother her with a ringing phone. Either way, I feel guilty and helpless. Now, I am really just praying for an end to her suffering and for God to lift her up in His loving arms and release her from the prison that she is in.